One Day

The silhouette of a warrior woman with storm clouds in the background.One day

I shall bare my soul
It’s dark and cracked.
The cracks are unsealable, letting the light out
The darkness is remarkable, its weight tires me out
I will show you who I am and what makes me
What keeps me alive and what breaks me
A training you may feel, before you take the hike
Where to take shelter, how not to let the lightening strike

I will show you the hits and misses the holes and crevices,
The nooks and corners of me.
What holds me up, what pushes me down,
What part of me I never want to see

Let me shed light on my heart on what makes the pain go away,
To only come back at every stab and where I sink back in and stay.

I will bare you my story for you to know it’s not my last escapade,
Dont want a shoulder just need your words to help me sharpen my blade…

Questions!

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I am tired. I want to go back to simpler times.

When we walk home and mom is ready with food. Your troubles are when you have fallen and bruised your knee. The biggest problem you have is the expected test in school tomorrow. You worry that you best friend is moving out of the city. It used to be much simpler when your books got wet in the rain, not that you have to write more, when you would worry of how dad would react cos you reached home late that night, 7.30 instead of 7. You looked forward to running chores for your grandparents who would give you a big hug and maybe a chocolate as a token of appreciation. When your chores were to run and make sure that there wasn’t anything getting overcooked.

 

What changed with time? We grew up, we complicated things. Gadgets, money, success, fame, love, marriage, all these became obligations rather than just natural behaviour! Cheating, lying, politics, business, chaos, puddles, mud, manholes, storms, tornadoes, climate change, famines, droughts, competition, murder! Economic growth, financial stability, blood sucking mosquitoes, dengue, presidential elections, government servants, rulers, rules, laws, need of the law! Humans, animals, inhuman, evil, satanic, do-gooders, philanthropists, adjectives, verbs, descriptions….

A massive period…! We don’t stop, we crave, we don’t stop, we demand, or we steal, we rob, we cheat, we lie, we scream, we cry, we need, we want, we just do not stop. It is loud in all our heads, but it is not clear, there is a constant shouting, but there is no sense to the noise, it is noise not sound. More chaos, more jumbles, more complications.

 

We do not want what we have, but we crave what we cannot have. Forbidden? I need it. Out of bounds? I will drag you down if needed for me to get it. Illegal? I must have it.

 

THIS IS BEYOND GREED, this is beyond normal, this is not what we were planned for, this is not what we are here for… but then why are we here?

WHAT? What is our destination? What is this journey?

WHY? Why do I get a headache when I think so much, am I the tin-man? Are the pins that keep it together about to fall off?

WHERE? Where am I supposed to go? Where am I headed? What is the point of this journey?

HOW? How do I make myself happy? How do I stay sane? How do I make this stop?

 

I AM TIRED…….

The Country of Idiotic Revolutions

Hot blood has obviously brought about sweaty repercussions!!

DISCLAIMER: 

So I noticed this post was lying in the drafts of my blogs from 80 Days ago. I thought at first maybe I missed uploading and posting something. But I remember my hesitation to be my lack of confidence on the current system which might drag me to the police station or atleast certain threats might follow thrust outburst. So I got it read form a few people before I could decide on its legitimacy to go on the World Wide Web. But I was still unsure of the repurcusion a and let it stay hidden. 

Since this “revolution” had sort of quietened down(?) I think I may be able to squeeze this through and still live to tell my tale. India and this new found “Intolerance” I tell you. 😑😒 but that would be a new post altogether

What we want is secularism at the expense of sectioning it. To be named a particular type of section of society would be a prejudice to people and their rights. Today we get to see people trying to get “typecasted” in order to mark opportunities. The word minority has lost its true meaning so we find the sect of people separating themselves no longer on the basis of their birth family’s age old occupation, however on the basis of their surname. They may occupy a majority of the population or be the most widely spread community worldwide, it doesn’t matter. A 22 year old uses that as his strategy to being about “power” in his words. Instead of rejecting his imbecile behaviour and discouraging his mentors from training him incorrectly, we observe well educated knowledgeable morons trying to build and strengthen his position by following in his bottomless out of idiosyncrasy.

However let me point out that I realise I am making a minor assumption. Knowledge, education and common sense has never been a part of the same menu or as a consequence of the other. As I remember recalling a discussion with a PhD aspirant, “India has reached a stage where education is not a means to enlightenment and knowledge any more. It is a method to grow higher in your ‘career’. Whether you understand a concept and its logic behind it, is pretty irrelevant. It is merely the paper degree that we look forward for so that we can earn a better salary.” I do not need any more incidents to back this statement of mine. Although there are exceptions we are always prone to slightly tilt towards the rule when making general statements and this was one such statement.
We are an ignorant bunch of idiots. We only understand inner agendas and political plots in the TV soaps that we watch and the ones among a mother and wife of a man at home. The highest we can reach is when we go up to the sickening and unhealthy competition among colleagues vying to grow higher by pulling others down rather than on self merit. The blame of a bad democracy is not on the politicians who ‘rule’ us, but the idiots amongst us who believe in their stupidity. What are the qualities we desire in our leaders??!? Confidence and a loud ruckus. It is a fake drum roll by an idiot who is being used as a pawn by someone higher hidden behind the wings of the stage of the show. Democracy is now the right of the politician and the political parties. We are mere idiots unable to understand what we want. We are the blind mice from the Pied Piper’s story, following the sound faked as a melody. How different is our fate than of those rats about to jump into the water???

Irony of life is death!

 
At the area of Sukapur, (meaning the “dry village”) Panvel, Navi Mumbai, it rained and poured till it wet the entire area. Irony lay at every step. While the body was at the pyre for its final rites before we humans could really bid good bye to our friend, relative, father and husband, the clouds gave us what we could consider a sign of the heavens crying at his loss from the world or of his reception high above or even his possible grief of being away from his loved ones who now looked upon his presence that was for his entire duration amongst others, better known as his life.  
The son smeared ghee, (unsalted butter) on the face and the body of his dead father’s body to make the cremation easier. A cliched thought crept in my mind at this action, “to make life easy, or to make death easy?” 
As we were leaving and a small prayer was said, the priest wanted to indicate that an able man has left his physical body and his spiritual presence has reached high above. As an instinct I looked up to the cloudy skies and I saw the smoke that was coming out of the chimney as if indicating that the physical was indeed being getting rid off as the symbol for the spiritual being released. 
We live all our lives trying to be someone, be something, achieve, reach a goal, time is spent in smaller duties of a job and a business and worry about the economy of the world, when all is a method of ‘living’ where the definition of the word in its absolute has been lost. What is a fulfilled life? When the ones we loved and the ones who love us are around us in happiness and in sorrow, in sickness as in health. We were born out of the mud and earth and we go back to it. What we leave behind are memories, our legends, our thoughts, our ways of life and precedents that we set for the future of the world to follow and to be mindful of. Let’s not restrict our personalities but really ‘live’ for a better tomorrow for our future generations. Set the right precedents and give the right flow of thought. 
As we walked away from the place of denial of a loss of a human from our lives, we saw the clouds clear and the rain subside. It was time to let the show go on…

Pappad Maam!

मंगलोर स्टोराचो  गुर्तू  झाल्लो, वयाच्या विसाव्या वर्षी

तेन्नाथायी आमका घरांतू करून दवर्ले आळशी!

आम्गेल्लो स्टोरू पाय लाव्नू घारा येत्तालो केंनाई,

वत पाऊसु सोणु सगळे, हूम घेउनु मात्त्यारी!

पिण्णी सो वान्क्लेलो सावळो म्हन्तारो येत्तालो,

पाप्पडवालो माम नावाने गुर्तू कोर्नु दित्तालो.

मिर्सांग तळ्लेली, पियावावाडी, तीक पाप्पाडचो ध्यासू,

अप्पिनमिडी लोणच्या वटू, दाळी तोयीचो बेत खासू

पैश्याक घाशाघिशी कोरुक वाईट दिसनी केन्ना,

घारा येउनु अम्गेल्याची परीवारान्तुलो अण्णा!

नीड्लारी हूमू ताक्का, मेह्नतिचो प्रूफ,

थंड उद्दाक पिउन मात्र जीवन्त व्हर्ता दिस्ता पाप.

म्हान्तार्यागल पत्तो ना, अत्तं चम्कुनू वोच्का दुकानांतू,

वडिन्तुल रुची याना त्या नवीन सामानान्तु.

पाप्पड आणि लोण्च्यानतुल रुची नुसती ठीक न्है,

मामागल मोग्गाची माया तान्तु उणु दीस्ता व्हई!

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Manglore storacho gurtu zallo, vayachya veesavya varshi

Tennathayi aamka gharantu karoon davarle aalshi!

Aamgello storu pay laavnu ghara yettalo kennayi,

Vat pausu sonu sagle, hoom ghyenu mattayri!

Pinni so vanklelo savlo mhantaro yettalo,

Pappad walo Maam navane gurtu kornu ditalo.

Mirsang talleli, piyawa wadi, teek pappadacho dhyasu,

Appinimidi lonchya vatu, Daali toyicho bet khasu…

Paishyak ghashaghishi koruka wait disani kenna,

Ghara yeunu amgelyachi parivaarantulo anna!

Nidlari hoomu takka, mehnaticho proof,

Thand uddak piun matra jeevant vharta dista paapu.

Mhantaryagal patto na, atta chamkunu vochka dukanantu,

Wadintul roochi yana tya navin samanantu.

Pappad and lonchyantul roochi nusti teek nhai,

Mamagal moggachi maaya taantu oonu dista vhai!

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Autowaaley Bhaiyya…

Autorickshaw

                   So I had my own, unprecedented and rather unexpected “Humans of Mumbai” type encounter today evening when I was on my routine return trip from work to home, like any other weekday. While I am swiping away at my candies, crushing them to get rid of the troublemaking chocolates and jellies in my phone, my auto driver reminds me to tell him the direction I have to go to. “You can just instruct me where to take the turn and then you can go back to your mobile and I can go back to my own”, he mused. I laughed it off like just a random banter an auto driver might have with his passenger and told him to take a right turn. Just when I thought he would miss the hidden turn, I reminded him again and he told me he was only trying to make way around the humongous truck that was also looking to turn.

                   “I am a private car driver in the daytime and so I know how to navigate carefully. I know how all auto drivers cut through your pathway in this daily rush.” And then he slowly eased into the confession of what we all do but seldom accept, “as an auto driver I complain about the car drivers and as a car driver I do it the other way around”. We all have abused the rash drivers as pedestrians and we have always hated the ‘slow’ walking ‘garden walkers’ or ‘jay walkers’ while we are trying to move in a road with heavy traffic. But then his discussion moved on, in another direction. The ease with which he spoke was really surprising. “My boss doesn’t really know about me driving an autorickshaw. Not that he would say anything, but just for my reasons I have kept it from him. He is a really good man. He has helped my son and paid for his education. I feel really good to work with such a generous man as him. He is big man who always takes good care of me. My son is no less; he has been a topper in his class. He got 92% in his 12th standard and is now looking to take up IIT. I said go ahead.” The pride in his eyes was apparent and the never fading smile on his face beamed even brighter.

By this time I had already reached home, but he wouldn’t stop talking and I didn’t leave the inside of the auto although I did pick my bags several times indicating time to go. In the interim we both had already lied about the lack of money change for the ride and then found enough to settle. “You can check his name on your mobile internet, his name is Mohan Yadav (Name changed) and he was from XYZ college, where he topped his class! He was felicitated, we were called for the function, and he earned good scholarships from everywhere. From Asian Paints, from the school, from his Tuition Classes, he is smart really. The trustees have given him scholarships in big amounts as well and told him that he must not stay back like I did and drive an auto. And my son says he will get IIT or VJTI, the top colleges for sure. He wants to be a Mechanical Engineer. I am sure he will grow big someday.” I could see the clichéd future reeling in fast forward motion in his eyes, not with hope mind you, but with undeterred confidence. I felt happy and proud for the man. He was not ashamed of anything, his work or his situation, he was more than happy to show me the photograph on his phone of his wife and the smart son. I don’t believe in sugarcoating or glamourizing, however, this boy did seem like one of the few intelligent students that we see at work – the likes of, with technical paper publications, intensive research work or innovative designs. That aura of knowledge and still simplicity in behavior is what I would describe it as.

“He did not want to go in a big college where his friends were children of rich people; he decided to go to a humble college where he could really focus on his education.” Not one moment went when the smile from the proud father’s face faded. He did not once indicate that he was looking for more donations. I, in fact did mention to him about where I work and our overseas education consultancy, he however did not once mention the possibility of scholarship to go to a pricey university in another country. The photograph of the mother and son with a backdrop of a modest kitchen just completed the picture that he had started to paint, of simple happiness in ambition with satisfaction in one’s livelihood and life to be the key needs of everyone today. Greed never touched his pride adorned face. I was humbled, pulled down even, by the gravity of the needs and wants that we crave.

As I wished him and his son the best of luck for his seemingly brilliant future, I started to bid goodbye and tried memorizing the face of the student, you know, in case he won a Nobel Prize or something, letting my need for vanity take over. I asked him for a picture, he obliged, without any qualms or questions, gave me his number, and said if anyone is looking for a driver please do not hesitate to give them my reference, but do not go below Rs. XXXXX, or it’s not worth it. He didn’t compromise on value, and did reveal a rather similar ambition to grow as his son did, and without reservation. A big car, a big house, branded clothing and our constant bickering toward our working hours and apparent stress are what govern our daily lives today. Our ambitions are shadowed I believe by greed. I do not discourage or claim such demands to be wrong, we all have our own definitions for success, but we as humans tend to not know when to stop demanding and when to start enjoying the satisfaction of what we have. This man had none of it, but was still able to instill in me the evil head of jealousy for his happiness to be more untainted than mine. I walked away thinking to myself this is one book I would like to get to the epilogue of, to see whether he really makes it big.

The Ticking Time Bomb

Time bomb

We are all living as a part of a live, ticking bomb, we all know we are going blow up one day. What we don’t know is when. This mystery keeps us moving on, drilling, hoping for a tomorrow for a future. We all plan for retirement, a vacation in Hawaii and for the college graduation of our kids. But what are we slowly moving towards? Our own end. But the end is not only of the world or our life or our thoughts and age, there are ends to relationships. Friendships, families, all die out. Death is inevitable. It could be due to distance or misunderstanding or lack of wanting to hold back valued memoirs when pitted against egos, religion, mental ability or physical ability. Greed, selfishness and everything else holds on to what ‘I’ want. ‘I want you to do this, because I said so, because it makes ME happy.’  ‘The world revolves around me.’ Someday we will learn to live for each other, hold on to the thinner than silk fabric first woven from the silkworm, before its tensile strength can be judged by anyone else. Why is it so hard to try and patch things up rather than giving up on them? Why do we value people and their presence in our lives lesser than what we can achieve in our investments? Everyone proudly states that ‘broken china when fixed still has the line where it once broke’. Why don’t we then think of the times when our broken radios when fixed, still gave us the same joy that we could get through its music, before it broke? Why are we hell bent on ridding ourselves of the old and then running amock looking for the new ones to fill this emptiness? When will we stop chasing the unprecedented and the unexpected or rather unplanned, when we have the opportunity to hold on to what we already hold dear and precious to us? Will we never learn?

We all go about in our lives displaying strength and a poker face, finding it demeaning for people to show emotions. Well, we built the machines minus emotions, rather than making them feel, we move on to become the iron man without the heart traveling to Oz, but we are obvious tracing the path backwards. Why, no one knows. We may progress technologically, but the very first principle of being human is being shunned. Maturity is weighed based on your pain threshold. Is it so wrong to break down and feel? Is it so difficult to make things clear, talk things out rather than push it under the carpet and wait till wind blows it back into your face? One day we are all going to sit back and blow apart into pieces when someone cuts the wrong wire and the bomb diffuses ahead of the expiration date and we will be left back with nothing but empty hands, shrapnel and pieces of things we could have worked upon. Pieces of the jigsaw puzzle will no longer fit back and we will find it hard or rather impossible to go back in time to wake our earlier self to grow beyond the materials and value what we have. It is always good to chase the new and the revered. But the question is, at what cost? It is right to throw out the water to fill our glasses with milk, but the question is what bereaves you, hunger or thirst? We are unable to assess our own needs and we end up confusing them with our wants, and we are left abashed at our own situation. But we stand up, dust ourselves off and walk away in dignity, because we are mature and are adults.

Because, “Levanta, sacode a poeira e dá a volta por cima” – Noite Ilustrada

(Get up, shake the dust and give an awesome comeback)