‘K’Aatankwaad (Terrorism with a K)


Statutory warning: – this is a work of fiction and only formed to serve the purpose as a piece of rubbish to induce laughter in its readers! Any resemblance to anyone alive or dead, is because it is based on true life but should not be taken under any circumstance as the principle truth. May the souls of the people caught in the World trade centre rest in peace.

Producer- Ekta Kapoor

Director- Karan Johar

Music – A. R. Rehman (Oscar Nominee)

Cast:-

Kamina Sin-Gadhen=Rowan Atkinson

Rassak Kabhina- Bruno Mars

Inspector DharPakad= Rajinikanth

Maa= Nirupa Roy

Menaka/CIA agent= Rambha

Menaka/CIA agent= Rambha

The movie starts with a Happy-go-Lucky family in the USA, a loving couple having breakfast at a roadside cafe, with their daughter playing with her toy bunny near her parents table. She giggles and her parents smile proudly. There is a sudden loud explosion heard and shrieks and screams of people surround the cafe. You then see the burning and falling of the World trade Centre New York, USA.

Many news reporters in different languages all over the world talk about the enormous disaster on the 11th of September 2001 and then we hear quotes like ‘The Sanctity of the American families have now been terrorised by this day.’

Over a period of few days, the president of the United States accuses this devilish act on a believed terrorist group called ‘Al-Rashida‘ headed by Kamina-sin-Gadhen. The world now moves its focus on the origins of this turbaned Islamic leader, Iraq. They target this country and claim war. The world is blanketed by terror. Over a period of 10 long years, people mourn the loss of their family members who were either in the Twin towers of the world trade centre during the ill-fated destruction or those who lost their lives in the wars in Afghanistan. (Now where did Afghanistan come into the picture? What happened to Iraq? Don’t Ask!)

Terrorist attacks continue to wreck peace around the world in small spurts during the 10 year period. Almost all were blamed on Al-Rashida. India still struggles with Pakistan and Vice Versa as well. Various countries look at every Islamic person with suspicion. Men with Beards are looked down upon. People are scared to sit next to them in public places. Women in burkhas are ill-treated. And the world continues to live on with these things in the background.

One fine day, there is a big news Flash, ‘Under the Leadership of the US President Rassak Kabhina, Kamina-Sin-Gadhen is killed in a firefight near the city center of Pakistan.’ There are no further details divulged. Some news channels were so excited about the expected TRP rating, that they misspelled Kabhina and Kamina at the wrong places!

The US President Kabhina had intelligence of the location and so he took immediate action and informed the US Marine Coast Guards, (Walrus a.k.a. the US Navy Seals) to get started on an operation of the killing of Sin-Gadhen. The world is told that Raavan is dead, and the US celebrates their own Diwali on that day! Kabhina is their Ram and the US navy seals were the monkeys who helped in this expedition! Although which was Lanka is still a question!

The Muslims in the world are outraged; this is the aftermath of the killing of the ‘Darth Vader’ in this edition of the Star Wars. The sons of the Islamic ‘martyr’, now eye for the family property and they mull over the next heir to take over the ‘Gaddi’ (the Royal Throne). This son is already married to a (voluptuous) British woman and is now living happily in the US of A!

Enter Inspector DharPakad. Inspector DP is happily living with his family with an elder almost useless brother, miserly and greedy brother’s wife, a loving old white ‘sari’ed mother and a framed photo with a fresh garland for a dead father who used to worked in the military. He has been growing up listening to this story of how his father was killed during the Afghanistan wars. His one and only motive was to kill the Sin-Gadhen but now he had no motive left. He was jubilant at first when he heard about his death. But one day while he was singing and dancing around trees and fountains with his sought after girlfriend Menaka he saw a group of Taliban members having a happy picnic in the nearby garden adjacent to the same monument of historic importance. Inspector DharPakad goes to eavesdrop (ironically he also drops Menaka from his arms at this minute). He finds out the biggest scam in the world. But the Taliban members understand his presence when Menaka comes to verbally abuse DharPakad at his uncaught drop! At this minute they attack and kidnap her. But they wait for DharPakad to say, “Yenna Rascalas!! I am going to cyatch you peepul!! Whotch out for me!!! Mind it!!”

Now Inspector DP has 2 things to do, rescue Menaka from the jaws of the evil and open the biggest scam the world has ever seen! So he goes to the nearest temple and talks to the Goddess Kaali, demanding more than praying for strength to get her back. So he touches the feet of his mother and she feeds him yoghurt on account of a good luck charm and tears flow her eyes when she blesses him saying, ‘Bete (son), don’t forget to get the list of groceries on your way’. So Inspector DP goes on his way to the suspected hideout. That’s when a very bright idea strikes him and he yells, “Yoorekha (Eureka)”. And he gets caught by the guards.

After all this tough luck, he eventually wakes up from his sedation and finds himself trapped and tied by strong iron chains. He sees whom he wished to see more than anyone, Sin-Gadhen. He tells them one statement, “I know everything and so does Mumbai Police. We will have a Back-up team coming right up in a moment.” This is when Sin-Gadhen gets nervous and calls for people to increase security in the high tower in the middle of the Arabian Sea. DP takes advantage of this distracted moment and unties himself from the strong chains and holds the gun from one of the security standing near him, to the temple of Sin-Gadhen. At the same time he hears another click near his head, he sees President Kabhina near him. “I waas Waiting for you, Rascala!”

In a flash before anyone realises what went wrong, Inspector DP is back in action in the lead, Menaka came to his rescue with a gun at Kabhina’s head. Just at that time, Menaka pulls out her wig of black beautiful long hair to reveal a head full of blonde hair, “I am a CIA agent and was waiting for this moment my whole life, I am sorry DP I had to lie to you!” With a microsecond of emotion passing through his eyes, holds himself together to get back to work. DP is ecstatic though when he comes to know of Menaka‘s true identity. He flips his glasses and his cigarette in his typical style. At the same time Kamina points his gun at Menaka and both Kabina and DP are startled but DP knows that this is Bread & Butter situation for him. He has saved the heroine from similar situation more than 10000 times so far. He bends down, gets his gun out, points it towards Menaka, throws his sunglasses towards her, they are placed perfectly over her eyes, Kamina just gets his head out to look at what is happening and DP throws his lit cigarette towards Kamina‘s beard which sets it on fire and then immediately taking complete advantage of the situation he shoots Kamina, right in between his eyes. All this in a flash of a second. Kabina just couldn’t believe his eyes. He had seen Matrix the trilogy 1000 times, but he had never seen DP in action before. This is how DP works and finishes of cases… In truly entertaining style.

The Day is saved the world is saved yet again by Inspector DharPakad. He gives a speech to the people of the world to reveal the truth! This is what happened on the 1st of May ’11.

The US Marine Coast Guards ‘Walrus’ had gone to a Market to buy their regular dose of Hash Brownies, and they saw a tall guy buying Halal meat for the rest of the week. They saw the white turban the long beard and the white robes that he wore with a black strap around his back. They observed that the Meat Market is still at peace. Shopkeepers were smiling and giving away the meat at discounted prices to their regular ‘peaceful’ customer. The Walrus chief contacted his headquarters in the room no. 420, The Ceasar’s Palace hotel, Las Vegas, United states. This is when Sin-Gadhen received a call from the President saying that he had a deal to offer. If the terrorist is ready to let go of all his grudges against the United States, the President will help him to start and lead a new life! So the story was plotted and Sin-Gadhen was given a make-over and was supposed to be transported to Madagascar where he would be spending the rest of his life sipping on a Piña colada on watching the sunset on the beach!

Ready for Samba?

But then We had a momentous rescue by Inspector DharPakad.

Imagine a world with unlimited Liquids permitted in the hand luggage!

P.S. Menaka colours her hair black and lives with her husband DP happily ever after!!!!

THE END!

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4 responses to “‘K’Aatankwaad (Terrorism with a K)

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